Thursday, February 26, 2009
I think i was obsessed with you. OBSESSED. like it bugged me i had to do it, must must must kinda thing. i was so compelled to i ahd to drop everything. i dont know why , why did you do this to me?
The problem with obsessions is that they dont last long, its like a fad, a phase a short term thing ,, and like a short lived fuse, it dies out as quickly as it started, Thought in my case probably a bit longer than that. I cannot say i regret the choices made, and i totally enjoyed it. but to get there i did make some sacrifices i wouldnt have given now.
Because of Y i am a better person today, ive learnt what to sacrifice and what i will end up regretting that i sacrificed, as Samantha said in SATC movie, ' i love you but i love me more'. Because of Y i have learnt to love myself and though i feel chubbs, i will get back to what i want ME to be.haha as Jo said to me , her 'bullying' of L has built L into a strong woman of the world today. In the same way,my experience will Y made me think. and made me balance and think my emotions out clearly. and sorry bub i love me more.
Yet i have a feeling that Y wants more now, and all i can say is i need me time. Or at least for me to feel that i am treated the way i want to be treated. and no im not fussy, or asking too much. I think thats what/who i am. whatever i ask for, i am willing to give back, whatever the 'too much' is. Ill do it, because its fair and i ask you do the same. If you dont ask , its youre loss, but its like insurance you paid for but you never claimed. Too bad.
ive learnt to keep the want and need separate. i dont need you. Now the want part im not sure yet, things are different when im around you etc, and and it depends on you and how you handle 'us' now. haha gotta prove you want me baby. coz what ive gone through, the internal battles and stuff, felt like they were in vain. i actually need you to prove i wont get hurt again. i guess its a breech of trust.
What i want now is free love, unconditional and beautiful. with absolutely no strings attached.
